Coffee Invader Shiz Nit
by MountainDewChikita
Summary: Tried to keep everyone in character as much as possible. Not a story to shake your bum at, no no my weaselly friend. Ho no. It's not finished but if you poke me with a stick enough I'll finish


Hello every boody. This is my first Invader Zim fic! Yay! Ms. Bitters is my hero, I want to be crabby and creepy when   
I'm all old and gnarly! I thought and thought and decided that I should attempt to keep everyone in-character as much   
as humanly possible. What will this mean??? No lovey stuff. I will introduce a new character but she's just for shits and   
giggles. No one will say Ohhh new girl I must fall in love. Actually the exact opposite! Now read this cheese monkey  
before I fry your brain! I hope this is funny. I hope you will like! I hope no one steals my spleen while I sleep tonight.   
Hey! That sorta rhymed! I'm sew smurt.   
  
*** ***  
  
"You'll never win Zim! Not as long as I can draw breath will you EVER win!!!" Dib cried angrily.  
  
"Oh but I have won, human stink beast! I have already won." Zim cackled evilly. Then he noticed his fellow classmates   
staring at him as he talked to the broom closet.  
  
Zim's cackling died off slowly. "What?"  
  
Ms. Bitters slithered up to Zim. "Let Dib out of the broom closet now, or you will be punished horribly."  
  
Zim narrowed his eyes and then decidedly puffed out his chest and in a loud voice said. "I have forgotten how to release   
the Dib from the closet thingie! So he must remain there, until...he gets out...in some way...maybe that will never happen!"   
  
Zim smiled at his own cleverness, by playing dumb he figured he could get away with leaving Dib in the closet.   
  
"Get him out now or I'll make you clean the boy's bathroom with a tooth brush after school." Ms. Bitters hissed.  
  
Zim remembered the stench of the boy's bathroom and quivered. Reluctantly, he opened the door.  
  
Dib lept out triumphantly, "Hah! Who's the winner now, Zim? Who's the winner NOW???" he cried gleefully. "I've   
got the last lau-"  
  
"Sit down Dib." Ms. Bitters snarled.  
  
Dib sat.   
  
"Oh I shall think of my revenge on you Dib, and then it will be me who is the one left laughing!" Zim chuckled softly  
to himself, until he worked into a full blown evil laughter schpiel.  
  
Ms. Bitters gave him one of the most creepy glares he had ever seen in his life. Zim stopped laughing, and folded his   
hands as he blinked innocently.  
  
Dib looked at him suspiciously.  
  
"Tonight," Zim thought. "will be the time for planning...stuff."  
*** ***  
"Give it to me!" she snarled.  
  
"Ummm, Ms. what did you say your name was again?"   
  
"Shiz-nit"  
  
"Riiiiight. Uh Ms. Shiz-nit. I'm afraid we can't approve you for a lone, seeing as how you don't come from this country.   
Let alone your bank account is non-exis- is...uh....excuse me, but is your nose falling off?"  
  
"Is it?" Shiz-nit arranges her nose. "Thank you."  
  
"Uh...You're welcome. Now you see, Miss, I can't-"  
  
"I need money to purchase food stuffs, correct?"  
  
"Yeeees, I suppose so, but first you need-"  
  
"You blather too much, remind me to come to your house later tonight and devour your children while you slumber."  
  
"Uh...I'll do that."  
  
"Good day."  
  
"Good day to you too."  
*** ***  
Gir looked at the Angry Monkey, which stared back at him, blinking occaisionally.  
  
"I love you mon-keeeeyyyyy." Gir squeaked happily.  
  
But, as all good things must come to an end, so too did Gir's attention span. "I'm lonely, I'll think I'll go outside now."   
Gir waddled outside.  
*** ***  
"It's bad enough that those earth pukes have to exist, but it's even worse when they throw these salivaey thingies at   
my HEAD!" Zim cursed as he tried to rid his pompadore of spitballs that had been thrown at him throughout the day.   
  
Zim rounded the corner and gazed at his house, he froze, "GYAH! What happened to my lawn gnomes?!?"  
  
Zim thundered into the house and saw Gir having a tea party with the lawn gnomes. Gir was in his puppy outfit and had a   
pink frilly bonnet on. He had dressed all the gnomes in matching aprons that said "Kiss the Bebe" on them.   
  
"Gir what in the Irken Armada do you think you're doing?!?" Zim cried pulling at his wig.  
  
""We were lonely so I baked some waffles!" Gir declared proudly.  
  
Zim noticed 4 bottles of empty maple syrup but no sign of any waffles, which alarmed him...but only slightly.  
  
"Gir, do you realize, that without those gnomes guarding the house, you are compromising the mission?" Zim demanded.  
  
Gir nodded and saluted, "Yes master!"  
  
"And do you also realize that taking *ALL* of the lawn gnomes from the front yard allows humans to come onto the   
lawn whenever they please???" Zim said wiggling his fingers.  
  
"Yes." Gir said looking determined.  
  
"Really?" Zim asked, tapping his foot.  
  
"Uhhh...no." Gir said, and walked away.  
  
Zim sighed as he gathered up the lawn gnomes to set back out on his front yard, and as an after thought, said into his   
wrist-com, "Note to self, put Gir on some sort of leash thingie whenever I am not around to supervise it's activities."   
  
Zim heard a smash come from the kitchen and Gir cry out, "I'm making me some tacos!"  
  
Zim looked disgruntled and went about his buisness.  
*** ***  
Dib paced back and forth in his family room, while Gaz played her Game Slave 2. "I just know Zim has some evil plan   
in mind. Did you see the way he looked at me after I got out of the closet? Maybe he's planning on dissecting me!"  
  
Gaz grunted, "And maybe he'd be doing all of us a favor."  
  
Dib's head snapped up, "Did you say something Gaz?"  
  
Gaz looked angry and gritted her teeth together, "Go do your thinking somewhere else, I'm trying to play my game."   
she seethed.  
  
Dib beheld his terrifying sister, before relenting. "Uh...I think I'll go to my room now."  
  
On his way up the stairs Dib ran into his father.   
  
"Oh son!" Dr. Membrane stopped him. "There was a package for you in the mail today, it isn't marked so you should be   
careful."  
  
Dib blinked.  
  
"Now I have to go to a meeting to invent a cross between an octopus and a turkey, in order to feed the children in Slobovia.  
There instant food in the freezer and brain freezy mix in the pantry for desert. Eat dinner with Gaz at 6:30 and I'll be  
home at 9:00." Dr Membrane said waving his arms about as he talked.  
  
Dib watched as his father left, and then his mind immediatly went to the package. His eyes narrowed. "Zim."  
  
Dib sat on his bed and stared at the package, he had been staring at it for 15 minutes strait now. "It's probably a trap."  
Dib reasoned. "But maybe Zim is counting on me NOT opening the package. Maybe it will self-destruct if I don't open  
it." Dib looked at it, as sweat poured down his forehead.  
  
After 20 more minutes of contemplation, Dib reached out and opened the package with trembling fingers. Inside was a   
little note that said, "U Owe Me. Love, Shiz"   
  
"What the heck?" Dib started to get angry. He pulled on his boots and stormed out the door.  
*** ***  
"How is the operation going on Earth?"  
  
"Very well Grand Master Funk!" Shiz-nit saluted her leader.  
  
"Did you give the message to Zim?"  
  
"Zim? I thought you said Dib."  
  
"Oh, maybe I did." Grand Master looked uncomfortable. He smiled "I trust that you can resolve this on your own!"  
  
"Yes sir!" Shiz-nit said, saluting again as Grand Master Funk signed off. She promptly fell asleep on the floor.  
*** *** 


End file.
